Hello Reader
So I'm not in a high-spot so much as I am high, so this might prove interesting. A blog post written after smoking a joint? Not so original; not the first, and not the last.
My inspiration for today: my brother's girlfriend.
My brother just turned 19 last week. His girlfriend, 16 this week. She's a pretty typical high school girl with pretty typical high school problems. Lately, I've finally started to warm up to her. She and my brother have been dating for nearly a year, and although their start was relatively rocky, I can see them going the distance. Not like his last relationship.
So my brothers ex was once a friend of his current girlfriend (part of the reason they split up, like most young couples seem to do). She was a bit of a nutjob. Very tomboy-ish (much like myself), very outspoken (again, like me) but not my main issues with her. My biggest issue was that she referred to me as her "idol".
Now, if I ever went and got myself famous for any reason, there'd be so many skeletons aired out of my closet, it'd put Lindsay Lohan to shame (by the way: leave her alone. She's a fallen star, and she's got a lot of issues, but she needs help more than she needs mockery). LiLo-defending rant aside, I've done a crap-ton of things that should have killed me more time over than the amount of illicit substances running through Keith Richards's veins. I was a wild one right out of high school; went away for university and threw all my inhibitions out the window. While it did wonders for my social life, I damn near got myself killed a number of times (including almost murdered by a former flame); almost as many times as I'd attempted on myself throughout high school. I am, by no means, a role model.
Now, the stuff my brother's current girlfriend is mostly because of his ex. Y'know, petty-like, and "You stole my boyfriend." "Yeah, well your psycho-bitch-ass lost him yourself." It makes me glad that high school is such a short period in a person's life.
***
Some days I wonder how many lives would have been affected if I'd actually gone through with my first suicide attempt. I know I would have never actually met my boyfriend, though our paths had crossed at least once before that time. My best friend would have had no one to turn to when her Dad died last year. My cat wouldn't have the home she has today. So many people would still be alive, and so many people would have died if not for me. Obviously I'm a big believer in the butterfly effect.
I think I'm done for now.
-le admiral
Friday, December 28, 2012
Friday, October 19, 2012
Chapter 2: Patterns
Hello Reader
This isn't exactly a manic post, but this is more of a bad day post.
I raged at EVERYTHING today. It's like I was a walking example of Murphy's Law. I screwed up my two assignments that were due today. Every bus driver I encountered today was a dick, and I missed almost all of my transfers. I apparently forgot how to swim during my lessons and had to be 'rescued' by my instructor. My cat won't sit with me. Finally, I'm "jolting" from the short half-life of my anti-depressant.
On a different note, related to my last post, my male friend/classmate is still talking to me, actually even more than he did previously. He even seems to be opening up to me more, even flirting with me once in a while. I guess honesty is the best policy. He asked me if my Facebook account had be hacked, I was flirting with him so much when I wrote my last post. I continue to have sexual dreams about him, even when I'm staying over at my boyfriend's place. My boyfriend woke me up during one of these dreams, and I just thought to myself "Oh my god, leave me alone, I'm dreaming about fucking my friend." Then I got out of bed and got over it. At least the hypersexual feelings I felt towards my friend are not as strong or urgent as they were before. I guess once I got back into bed with my boyfriend I felt better about my decision of who I chose as a life mate.
Short post today, again, this is less of a manic post that what I would normally do.
-le admiral
This isn't exactly a manic post, but this is more of a bad day post.
I raged at EVERYTHING today. It's like I was a walking example of Murphy's Law. I screwed up my two assignments that were due today. Every bus driver I encountered today was a dick, and I missed almost all of my transfers. I apparently forgot how to swim during my lessons and had to be 'rescued' by my instructor. My cat won't sit with me. Finally, I'm "jolting" from the short half-life of my anti-depressant.
On a different note, related to my last post, my male friend/classmate is still talking to me, actually even more than he did previously. He even seems to be opening up to me more, even flirting with me once in a while. I guess honesty is the best policy. He asked me if my Facebook account had be hacked, I was flirting with him so much when I wrote my last post. I continue to have sexual dreams about him, even when I'm staying over at my boyfriend's place. My boyfriend woke me up during one of these dreams, and I just thought to myself "Oh my god, leave me alone, I'm dreaming about fucking my friend." Then I got out of bed and got over it. At least the hypersexual feelings I felt towards my friend are not as strong or urgent as they were before. I guess once I got back into bed with my boyfriend I felt better about my decision of who I chose as a life mate.
Short post today, again, this is less of a manic post that what I would normally do.
-le admiral
Saturday, October 6, 2012
Chapter 1: Who do you think you are?
Hello reader
So here is the first (and possibly last) tale of my journey through this weird world.
As I mentioned in my introduction, I go to college for Computer Science. Computer Science, traditionally, is a male-heavy program, and so my classmates are almost all male (there's one or two women remaining after the first semester weeded out the uncommitted stragglers). Now, being a human being, I found a few of my classmates sexually attractive. Once I found out the majority of them actually had girlfriends (yes, even nerds get laid on a regular basis sometimes) I backed off (yes, I have a boyfriend, but I can still look, so long as I don't touch, and I only looked!), but one classmate in particular continues to intrigue me.
While I don't actually have a "type", this guy seems to fit the bill for most of the things I find desirable in a man: sly sense of humour; tattoos; wild, thick hair; reasonably kept facial hair; highly intelligent; tall; lanky; Mediterranean descent; soft skin; doesn't live with his parents/family; free-spirited and open-minded; geek. And he has awesome taste in movies and music, to boot.
I have recurring dreams about this guy (mainly of a sexual nature, especially recently). My attraction to him waxes and wanes; I tried to keep things on a platonic level with him. We even stayed late at school together one night, just he and I, working on a project for one of our classes. I had inklings of sexually-related thoughts in my head all the while, but never attempted to put any moves on him; I AM dating someone else, after all, and my boyfriend and I are in a committed relationship. I barely know anything about this guy, anyway, but continue to fantasize about him so much that it distracts me from doing my coursework.
Last night, in a particularly sleep-deprived and sexually-charged state of mind, I sent him a message telling him how attractive I find him. Then tried to play it down, saying that I was "baked" (I have a reputation amongst my classmates as being a pot-head, which is true for the most part).
Part of me hopes that the feeling is mutual, but I don't want to jeopardize my nearly-3-year relationship (with another 3 years of friendship backing it up) with my boyfriend, and I also don't want to jeopardize the group this guy and I study with, as I want to maintain the structural integrity of the study group without throwing sexual tension into the mix (this happened previously with another one of my classmates; nothing ever came out of it, thankfully). I also don't want to ruin the ever-growing friendship I have with this guy, because, well, he's a nice guy; I just happen to think he's the hottest man in the known universe right now and my brain won't shut up about it.
I'll eventually get over it, as I usually do, when my mania dies down. Hopefully nothing bad will come of this (foreshadowing? geez, I hope not!).
-le admiral
So here is the first (and possibly last) tale of my journey through this weird world.
As I mentioned in my introduction, I go to college for Computer Science. Computer Science, traditionally, is a male-heavy program, and so my classmates are almost all male (there's one or two women remaining after the first semester weeded out the uncommitted stragglers). Now, being a human being, I found a few of my classmates sexually attractive. Once I found out the majority of them actually had girlfriends (yes, even nerds get laid on a regular basis sometimes) I backed off (yes, I have a boyfriend, but I can still look, so long as I don't touch, and I only looked!), but one classmate in particular continues to intrigue me.
While I don't actually have a "type", this guy seems to fit the bill for most of the things I find desirable in a man: sly sense of humour; tattoos; wild, thick hair; reasonably kept facial hair; highly intelligent; tall; lanky; Mediterranean descent; soft skin; doesn't live with his parents/family; free-spirited and open-minded; geek. And he has awesome taste in movies and music, to boot.
I have recurring dreams about this guy (mainly of a sexual nature, especially recently). My attraction to him waxes and wanes; I tried to keep things on a platonic level with him. We even stayed late at school together one night, just he and I, working on a project for one of our classes. I had inklings of sexually-related thoughts in my head all the while, but never attempted to put any moves on him; I AM dating someone else, after all, and my boyfriend and I are in a committed relationship. I barely know anything about this guy, anyway, but continue to fantasize about him so much that it distracts me from doing my coursework.
Last night, in a particularly sleep-deprived and sexually-charged state of mind, I sent him a message telling him how attractive I find him. Then tried to play it down, saying that I was "baked" (I have a reputation amongst my classmates as being a pot-head, which is true for the most part).
Part of me hopes that the feeling is mutual, but I don't want to jeopardize my nearly-3-year relationship (with another 3 years of friendship backing it up) with my boyfriend, and I also don't want to jeopardize the group this guy and I study with, as I want to maintain the structural integrity of the study group without throwing sexual tension into the mix (this happened previously with another one of my classmates; nothing ever came out of it, thankfully). I also don't want to ruin the ever-growing friendship I have with this guy, because, well, he's a nice guy; I just happen to think he's the hottest man in the known universe right now and my brain won't shut up about it.
I'll eventually get over it, as I usually do, when my mania dies down. Hopefully nothing bad will come of this (foreshadowing? geez, I hope not!).
-le admiral
Introduction
Hello Reader
My name, for the purposes of this blog, isn't that important; I'd prefer to stay as anonymous as possible (seeing as how this is linked to my Gmail account, it will become obvious to some who I really am).
What I WILL tell you is that I am a 20-something-year-old female Computer Science student at my local college. And I have, among other mental issues, bipolar disorder.
I will probably update this blog most often during the manic part of the bipolar cycle (that's when my life is most 'interesting', anyway) so any return reader need not be alarmed by lengthy periods between blog entries, as is the nature of the mood cycle.
Obviously, I am in a manic part right now. Hence this post. And hence why it will seem a little disjointed (return readers will get used to it, I'm sure).
Other things I choose to reveal to the reader at this point: I have ADHD (diagnosed within the last 5 years) and am a high-functioning autistic. So high-functioning, in fact, that many people (including my boyfriend) have trouble believing it. Which is fine; they can call me a bitch and an asshole all they want. But at least I know not to do whatever upset them ever again.
I also have self-esteem issues (a blogger with self-esteem issues? what are the chances?) and body image issues. The body image issues stem from my weird weight journey: in high school, I weighed 90 lbs.; within 5 years, I ballooned to 240 lbs. (mainly due to medication to treat the bipolar illness); I then lost 120 lbs. in a year and a half, and now my body has decided that 130 lbs. is the right weight for me. I am nowhere near being overweight for my height at this point, but I do take issue with the mass of loose skin around my upper arms, thighs and abdomen (where the majority of my excess weight was carried). My boyfriend insists I am sexier than ever, but my brain tells me I'm fat and disgusting (hmm... I'm such a woman sometimes!).
About my boyfriend: he will not be named either (nor anyone else, for that matter, during the course of my running this blog). He is 30-something years old, and we met several years ago at one of my many attempts at post-secondary education. The only reason we didn't start dating when we met was because he was dating someone else at the time. Nearly 3 years ago, his then-girlfriend left him suddenly, and, considering him my best friend, swooped in to help him pick up the pieces. We both admitted there were latent romantic feelings on both parts, and ended up cementing a romantic relationship some time afterwards. He will get frustrated with me some days because of my mental illnesses (he says it's "like looking in a mirror"), but I consider him to be the love of my life, and I believe he may feel the same way about me.
That's it for the introduction; it's time for the first actual post of this blog!
-le admiral
My name, for the purposes of this blog, isn't that important; I'd prefer to stay as anonymous as possible (seeing as how this is linked to my Gmail account, it will become obvious to some who I really am).
What I WILL tell you is that I am a 20-something-year-old female Computer Science student at my local college. And I have, among other mental issues, bipolar disorder.
I will probably update this blog most often during the manic part of the bipolar cycle (that's when my life is most 'interesting', anyway) so any return reader need not be alarmed by lengthy periods between blog entries, as is the nature of the mood cycle.
Obviously, I am in a manic part right now. Hence this post. And hence why it will seem a little disjointed (return readers will get used to it, I'm sure).
Other things I choose to reveal to the reader at this point: I have ADHD (diagnosed within the last 5 years) and am a high-functioning autistic. So high-functioning, in fact, that many people (including my boyfriend) have trouble believing it. Which is fine; they can call me a bitch and an asshole all they want. But at least I know not to do whatever upset them ever again.
I also have self-esteem issues (a blogger with self-esteem issues? what are the chances?) and body image issues. The body image issues stem from my weird weight journey: in high school, I weighed 90 lbs.; within 5 years, I ballooned to 240 lbs. (mainly due to medication to treat the bipolar illness); I then lost 120 lbs. in a year and a half, and now my body has decided that 130 lbs. is the right weight for me. I am nowhere near being overweight for my height at this point, but I do take issue with the mass of loose skin around my upper arms, thighs and abdomen (where the majority of my excess weight was carried). My boyfriend insists I am sexier than ever, but my brain tells me I'm fat and disgusting (hmm... I'm such a woman sometimes!).
About my boyfriend: he will not be named either (nor anyone else, for that matter, during the course of my running this blog). He is 30-something years old, and we met several years ago at one of my many attempts at post-secondary education. The only reason we didn't start dating when we met was because he was dating someone else at the time. Nearly 3 years ago, his then-girlfriend left him suddenly, and, considering him my best friend, swooped in to help him pick up the pieces. We both admitted there were latent romantic feelings on both parts, and ended up cementing a romantic relationship some time afterwards. He will get frustrated with me some days because of my mental illnesses (he says it's "like looking in a mirror"), but I consider him to be the love of my life, and I believe he may feel the same way about me.
That's it for the introduction; it's time for the first actual post of this blog!
-le admiral
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)